the dress

I will feel sexy and confident in my houndstooth dress March 21st, 2015

I don't like to weigh myself, although I know it also isn't healthy to be afraid of the scale.  So, I weigh 127 lbs.  There, its out.  I'm not totally proud of that number, but I justify it by saying, I have an athletic body type.  I don't plan to ever lose weight by obsessing over this number, but I also didn't think it was healthy to obsess about not knowing the number.  

Instead, I have come up with a goal.  I have a dress that I love.  And it fits now but it could fit better and I could feel better in it.  I want to wear it for when my boyfriend gets back from sailing with the Navy and we go out for dinner for our 6 month/welcome home dinner! I feel good about this goal because its SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound).  I have the dress hanging in my bedroom where I can see it every morning-   sorry babe, I took down your picture that was hanging! This way, I can wake up motivated, and be reminded of my goal, and of course that I'll be eating one tasty meal with someone that supports and loves me in that very dress.

I'm sharing with my readers all of this, to inspire hopefully, those of you who are feeling stuck, and to keep myself accountable.  I know that it is easy to lose motivation, especially when you don't have anything to work towards.  I'm so used to having competitions to train for, from when I was a gymnast.  But that isn't my life anymore, and with school to focus on as well, it is definitely a challenge to keep up the clean and active lifestyle.  

So, I challenge you, to come up with your own goal.  One that makes you excited to be better.  One that doesn't leave you standing on the scale wondering why you aren't lighter.  One that makes you want to post it on the internet, as if the whole world cares that you bought a new dress!! One that gets you out of this winter funk!  Good luck :) And feel free to share!!

- kb 

standing under a dark cloud

hi fellow readers,

I have a confession to make.  And I'm writing about it because, for me, once it is written its out, and not bottled up inside.

I'm a phase person, I always have been.  I have my highs and lows, I'm sure much like most people.  But for me, sometimes, it gets to be a bit intense.  I suffer from a mental illness.  It is difficult at times, but for the most part, I've learned to be quite good at managing it.  

If you know me at all, you know what I'm talking about.  I'm a pretty open person and I think more people need to talk about this illness, its way too taboo.  Everyone has their "blueberry fritters" some of you may know what I mean by that and some may not.  But it means, everyone has their problems, illnesses, or their scary pasts.  It doesn't mean that one issue is worse than the other, and to be honest, 90% of it is really how we deal with it.

That being said, people who suffer from depression, may fight like hell, and get through most of the blueberry fritters that get thrown at them, but other times the dark cloud doesn't go away.  Thats when you either fall into darkness, or use those tools you learned in, group therapy, or your self help module, or call the help line.  You seek help.  And that does not make you a failure, or weak, it means you are sick.  And if you are sick, you take the medicine you need to get better.  That, is smart.  

I guess I feel like I need to say this because not many people talk about it.  Maybe, you'll open up to people who have been through similar situations, but I don't think thats enough.  I think its the people that don't understand that should be talking about it and learning about it. Hands down, you'll become friends with someone with this illness, or date someone, or maybe a family member will be diagnosed depressed for what ever reason.  I think if people start TALKING about it and SHARING their struggles with mental illness, it will help people accept others for who they are.  Kill the ignorance.

Depression isn't something that will be fixed with ice cream, or a new love, or retail therapy.  Depression is something you learn to live with.  You can still live a happy life, and you can still love fully, and you will still smile.  But its a fight nonetheless.  

I think if people talked more about how they are feeling, mental illness or not, everyone can get the support the need and deserve.  And for those of you who are afraid to call that dark cloud depression, know that there are many people who struggle with this, and I encourage you to embrace it and learn from it.  Help yourself with any tools you need, and accept the illness.  It doesn't make you weak, it makes you sick.  So, help yourself.  And, for those of you who don't understand the dark cloud syndrome, I encourage you to not be ignorant and avoid judging, and learn about it.

Anyone is capable of living cleanly and happily.  And everyone can find a way to get through their own personal blueberry fritters. I just encourage people to SPEAK.  

I love my life, and I have so much to be grateful for.  But, I also believe that you need to own your mental illness and help yourself.  I cheer on everyone standing hopelessly under their dark cloud, and encourage you to find that positive thing that helps you through those days.  

yours truly,

kb

I'm not perfect

Sorry for being so quiet.  Between work, internships, school, fitness, and relationships, I find it hard to sit down and sum it all up sometimes.  

The truth is that #cleanfifteen is challenging.  Not impossible but challenging.  Its not like I've promised to just at healthier or run more, I've committed to cleaning up my act all together.  Adopting a lifestyle that is productive, positive, and fun!  I find each day I do well in one department and somewhat drop the ball in another.  

I had a few friends tell me that they check my blog everyday. THANK YOU.  That is incredibly motivating to hear, and it helps me stay true to the whole #cleanfifteen thang!  

I guess today I just really want to admit that I'm not perfect. I know, shocker right?!  I am totally a phase person, always have been.  I've always been consistent in ways but completely extreme in others.  I can let my emotions take over to either motivate me to be better or to completely ruin all the improvements I made.  Do you ever feel that way?  Like you've made progress, maybe you ate healthy for a week, or you didn't skip your therapy session, or you did well on all your midterms, and then you have one off day, and it is like you have to start all over?  It happens to me.  I'm also a stress case, and put way to much pressure and expectations on myself.  I think it is from being a gymnast, that pressure to be your best all the time.  

Anyway, It is Wednesday morning and I am feeling well rested, ready for yoga later on today, almost prepared for my test this afternoon.  I am sipping on my tea, looking at my ocean view and wondering why I complain, why I get sad, and why I'm so friggin' hard on myself.  

Yoga had been going really well, I try to get to the studio every weekday but if that doesn't happen, I'll go to the gym.  Yoga is only getting more challenging now that I can do the poses properly!! But I'm in love with it, it is the perfect way to get out of your mind and channel into your body, your breathing, and the moment.  

My goal for the rest of the week is to wake up, keep a clear mind, and do not let the to do list discourage me from tackling the day.  I'm pretty we all struggle with that.  

- kb 

bounce back

It's difficult staying motivated.  It always has been for me.  I'll easily drop one thing and pick up another.  I love to dabble, but I also love to wallow.  I don't hate the dabbling at all but the wallowing has to go.  I find that as soon as I have off days, I will give up on the positivity and wallow in the  'failure'.  But it isn't a failure, everyone has their off days, what matters is how you bounce back from those lazy days.

I've been doing well with my sleep, and meditation.  I'm finding it super helpful to meditate right before I go to sleep. I bought a book that walks you through proper meditation, so I'm excited to dive right into that.  I'm also contemplating going to Buddhism classes once week.  I've never been a religious person however I think that it could be really interesting learning about Buddhism and maybe picking up parts of it that I think would improve my quality of life. 

The last few days I've also spent a few hours reading.  I'm about half way through Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn.  So far I'm really enjoying it, I hope to be through it soon, and on to the next! I have a few books I'd like to read before summer comes.

I have been playing guitar, I was working on some new songs this weekend.  I absolutely love singing, even through I'm not the best, no one has told me to shut up quite yet! My goal is to do open mic at one of the bars here in Halifax.  I meant to do it this summer but I chickened out.  

Those are a few positive things, and I'll work on the rest!

- kb 

being your ideal self

Another great read by Mark Manson.  An eight minute read that will totally get that mind of yours flowin'.

"It’s not that happiness itself is in you, it’s that happiness occurs when you decide to pursue what’s in you." - Manson

- kb

Mark Manson - Stop Trying to be Happy

dirty days

Not everyday can be clean.   Yesterday, I felt off.  I wasn't feeling as motivated as I have been lately, and I was having negative thoughts that I couldn't chase out of my mind.  I woke up really tired even though I was in bed at a decent time and slept fine.  My exhaustion stopped me from going to yoga, and kept me glued to the couch most of the day.  

Here is my issue, yesterday was my day off and I had planned on being incredible productive.  And when I saw that my day might not go that way, I was quick to quit.  Then of course, it is my nature to be incredibly hard on myself and make myself feel like I failed by not going to yoga, or the gym, or getting my school work done.  Then once I've decided that the day was a write off, I am straight up lazy and unmotivated.

I understand that one day of 'rest' is a good thing, and I completely agree.  But there is rest which is positive and there is giving up which of course is nothing to be proud of.  Really, what I should have done was nap the second I felt off.  Napping is a smart way to salvage your day, catch some more z's before the whole day goes to waste. Instead of staying up and thinking about how you should be crossing things off your to-do list, take a quick nap so you can wake up refreshed and focused.

Today, I am motivated, on task, and in a great mood.  I had a challenging yoga session this morning, a tea to sip on while I caught up on emails, and a delicious salad while I finished my readings and reports for school.  By noon, I felt accomplished and proud of myself! 

Not everyday can be the cleanest, you might feel groggy, or distracted, but don't quit and make it a dirty day.  Take a nap if it will help, meditate, put on your gym clothes and suck it up! Try to at least cross one thing off that long and forever growing to-do list.  

However, today is hump day, maybe a little dirty is okay!

#cleanfifteen

-kb

love, meaning, and connection

'Happy people are generally found to be healthy, sociable, flexible, creative, resilient, tolerant, and have a great capacity for love and forgiveness. The pursuit of happiness is a noble one and it can be contagious. It is interesting that something simple remains so elusive for so many. True happiness is not related to pleasure or consumption, but is a by-product of LOVE, MEANING, and CONNECTION'

wipeout

5 min skipping

30 sec push ups with feet on medicine ball
30 sec burpees
1 min sumo squat with press
1 min plank

recover

1 min squats with weight
1 min push ups with feet on medicine ball
1 min russian twist
30 sec split jumps
30 sec high knee runs
1 min wall sit

recover

1 min side plank
1 min dips
1 min russian twist
2 min single leg deadlift arm curl

recover

1 min plank
1 min walking lunges
1 min dips
30 sec squat jumps

recover
stretch

monday morning

Monday mornings are always a bit difficult, especially when you've spent the weekend bowling and being silly, and now Monday is here and so is the busy week.  This week is a big one for me for school, so I need to stay focused and on task (obviously, first priority is my blog!). 

I started the morning off early with yoga, and I've spent rest of my morning doing school, blogging, and researching, answering emails etc.,  before my busy day of classes begin.

My goal is to have productive mornings before class, getting my workout, readings, and other tasks done.  This way, I can free up my evenings for more leisurely activities and get to sleep at a decent hour!  We will see if I can follow through with this plan.

Half way through my productive morning, I did a short meditation session to regain focus on my tasks. Five to ten minutes dedicated to relaxing your whole body and re-approaching your day with a clear mind.  

I've been trying to meditate everyday.  I'm on a solid four day streak! I've done twenty minutes everyday of guided meditation.  I'm finding it helps relax my mind before sleep, making it easier and less stressful falling asleep.  I also try to meditate throughout the day to help keep at ease and on task, and AWAKE! 

Happy Monday, go refill that coffee,

- kb 

yum

forgetting to breathe

Sometimes during my day I do this obnoxious exhale, as if I lost my breath, or I was sighing about something.  If I'm with someone they'll ask "what?" or "what's wrong?".  My response is always "Oh, I forgot to breathe".  And I realize the ridiculousness of that answer, I've been told that its not a voluntary action, my body won't just forget to breathe.  But I swear, that  is what's happening. It feels like I'm using up all my brain power thinking about the nitty gritty day to day bullshit, that I actually forget to breathe.

My solution, meditation.  #cleanfifteen is about breathing, relaxing, centering yourself.  I don't care if I do this as a quick breathing exercise between classes, a yoga session, or a guided meditation session before sleep.  I want to take at least two minutes everyday to just stop and clear my mind.

And breathe,

-kb

Calm.com

when life gives you lemons

Lemon water, folks. I've been reading about the benefits of drinking lemon water, particularly warm lemon water when waking up.

I'll let you do the reading yourself, or you can just trust me! 

-kb

Body and Soul

Livestrong

Complete Health and Happiness

the art of not giving a f***

I read an article by Mark Manson, that makes you really think about why you care about certain things.  Mark Mason is one of my favourite online authors to read.  Although he can be ridiculous with his writing at times, at the end of the day, he is right. 

The art of not giving a fuck.

Of course, there are situations and people you should most definitely love and care about, but the majority just isn't worth it.  Life isn't about getting all bent out of shape about the small things, its about finding something that is so important to you that the rest just doesn't matter.

I used to give most of my 'fucks' to other people, putting a lot of effort into pleasing them and upholding this unrealistic and unreciprocated friendship.  This in turn, took away from other aspects of my life that I truly love (like writing, playing guitar, reading, spending time with people that made me happier, working out).  When you give most of your effort to people or situations that 'steal' positive energy from you, that little spark inside of you that motivates you to do the things you love, that disappears too! 

I'm envious of the people that seem to have been born with this art of just not giving fucks about the things that steal that spark, it took me a long while, and a few heartbreaks to fully learn how to just not give a flying fuck. 

Wouldn't you agree with Mark, though? You are bound to be happier, more successful, healthier, and a better person, if you only cared about the things WORTH caring about.

#cleanfifteen, for me, is about being much smarter about where my fucks are given.  It is the people who have nothing to care about that care too much about everything and anything.  I know now that I don't want to waste my valuable fucks on just anything.

It's not about caring less but not caring about everything,

-kb

Mark Manson- The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck

sweaty in awkward pose

Sweat once a day! That is an understatement.  Yesterday, I sweat enough for the week!

I wanted to take up something new for #cleanfifteen, so I signed up for two months of unlimited hot yoga. I've never done yoga before besides what my Nike Training App makes me do for 15 minutes every week.  So yesterday was fun! 

I signed in and the instructor told me that my goal for day one should be to just stay in the room for the full class.  I walked in the studio, and there stood half a dozen naked people.  Ok, they weren't naked but they were wearing a lot less clothing than me.  As soon as I entered the studio I knew why minimal clothing was necessary. 

I placed my towel on my mat and my lemon and cucumber infused water beside, and that was enough to make me dip sweat.  They aren't kidding when they say 'hot' yoga.  The class started and I am happy to inform you that I killed it! Sure, I was an obvious beginner in the back of the room, but I kept up and I was able to complete almost every pose.  

I had this thought though, that someone should film me during a hot yoga session, because I am certain it would be a good laugh.  Some of the poses I look so awkward in (and I'm not talking about the 'awkward pose') I had to look away from the front mirror.  I just need to practice a bit more to work on my flexibility for some of the poses. 

I think yoga is going to help me with clearing my mind when school gets hectic, keep positive and present, and sweat!

I will sweat once a day,

-kb

green green green

I have a new love for tea.  I have given up alcohol (for the month, I'm not insane) and coffee, and I have started drinking lots of water and tea.  I've been reading and reading and reading about the health benefits of certain teas, and it just fascinates me.  Of course I'm not always reading the most credible sources so I suppose I shouldn't believe it all.  

What I'm really excited about is that I finally like green tea.  I started drinking the loose leaf detox green tea from David's Tea, and I'm in love.  I even invested in one of those fancy loose leaf travel mugs, I mean business! 

I think tea and I are going to get along just fine! 

Your new tea loving gal,

-kb

#cleanfifteen

My goal this year is to be clean.  That means making positive changes in my everyday life that makes the day a little less yucky and a little more beautiful.  I will make an effort to be the best version of myself.  Surround myself with positive and motivated people, strive for productive days, commit to an active lifestyle, and treat my body preciously.  

Already, #cleanfifteen is trending!  By that I mean, I have some family members and friends on board! But hey, if I can encourage even just one person to take action on making their lives a little less yucky, I'd say thats pretty sweet.

Maybe you want to take up a new sport, reconnect with an old friend, eat healthier, wake up earlier, drink less alcohol and more water, say thank you more... Doesn't even THINKING about it make you feel cleaner?

My goal for 2015 is to figure out the best clean lifestyle for ME.  I want to try new things, take risks, take care of my mind and body, be open to learning, and appreciate everyday.  I'm determined to be better.

I commit to #cleanfifteen.

- kb