the dress

I will feel sexy and confident in my houndstooth dress March 21st, 2015

I don't like to weigh myself, although I know it also isn't healthy to be afraid of the scale.  So, I weigh 127 lbs.  There, its out.  I'm not totally proud of that number, but I justify it by saying, I have an athletic body type.  I don't plan to ever lose weight by obsessing over this number, but I also didn't think it was healthy to obsess about not knowing the number.  

Instead, I have come up with a goal.  I have a dress that I love.  And it fits now but it could fit better and I could feel better in it.  I want to wear it for when my boyfriend gets back from sailing with the Navy and we go out for dinner for our 6 month/welcome home dinner! I feel good about this goal because its SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound).  I have the dress hanging in my bedroom where I can see it every morning-   sorry babe, I took down your picture that was hanging! This way, I can wake up motivated, and be reminded of my goal, and of course that I'll be eating one tasty meal with someone that supports and loves me in that very dress.

I'm sharing with my readers all of this, to inspire hopefully, those of you who are feeling stuck, and to keep myself accountable.  I know that it is easy to lose motivation, especially when you don't have anything to work towards.  I'm so used to having competitions to train for, from when I was a gymnast.  But that isn't my life anymore, and with school to focus on as well, it is definitely a challenge to keep up the clean and active lifestyle.  

So, I challenge you, to come up with your own goal.  One that makes you excited to be better.  One that doesn't leave you standing on the scale wondering why you aren't lighter.  One that makes you want to post it on the internet, as if the whole world cares that you bought a new dress!! One that gets you out of this winter funk!  Good luck :) And feel free to share!!

- kb 

standing under a dark cloud

hi fellow readers,

I have a confession to make.  And I'm writing about it because, for me, once it is written its out, and not bottled up inside.

I'm a phase person, I always have been.  I have my highs and lows, I'm sure much like most people.  But for me, sometimes, it gets to be a bit intense.  I suffer from a mental illness.  It is difficult at times, but for the most part, I've learned to be quite good at managing it.  

If you know me at all, you know what I'm talking about.  I'm a pretty open person and I think more people need to talk about this illness, its way too taboo.  Everyone has their "blueberry fritters" some of you may know what I mean by that and some may not.  But it means, everyone has their problems, illnesses, or their scary pasts.  It doesn't mean that one issue is worse than the other, and to be honest, 90% of it is really how we deal with it.

That being said, people who suffer from depression, may fight like hell, and get through most of the blueberry fritters that get thrown at them, but other times the dark cloud doesn't go away.  Thats when you either fall into darkness, or use those tools you learned in, group therapy, or your self help module, or call the help line.  You seek help.  And that does not make you a failure, or weak, it means you are sick.  And if you are sick, you take the medicine you need to get better.  That, is smart.  

I guess I feel like I need to say this because not many people talk about it.  Maybe, you'll open up to people who have been through similar situations, but I don't think thats enough.  I think its the people that don't understand that should be talking about it and learning about it. Hands down, you'll become friends with someone with this illness, or date someone, or maybe a family member will be diagnosed depressed for what ever reason.  I think if people start TALKING about it and SHARING their struggles with mental illness, it will help people accept others for who they are.  Kill the ignorance.

Depression isn't something that will be fixed with ice cream, or a new love, or retail therapy.  Depression is something you learn to live with.  You can still live a happy life, and you can still love fully, and you will still smile.  But its a fight nonetheless.  

I think if people talked more about how they are feeling, mental illness or not, everyone can get the support the need and deserve.  And for those of you who are afraid to call that dark cloud depression, know that there are many people who struggle with this, and I encourage you to embrace it and learn from it.  Help yourself with any tools you need, and accept the illness.  It doesn't make you weak, it makes you sick.  So, help yourself.  And, for those of you who don't understand the dark cloud syndrome, I encourage you to not be ignorant and avoid judging, and learn about it.

Anyone is capable of living cleanly and happily.  And everyone can find a way to get through their own personal blueberry fritters. I just encourage people to SPEAK.  

I love my life, and I have so much to be grateful for.  But, I also believe that you need to own your mental illness and help yourself.  I cheer on everyone standing hopelessly under their dark cloud, and encourage you to find that positive thing that helps you through those days.  

yours truly,

kb

I'm not perfect

Sorry for being so quiet.  Between work, internships, school, fitness, and relationships, I find it hard to sit down and sum it all up sometimes.  

The truth is that #cleanfifteen is challenging.  Not impossible but challenging.  Its not like I've promised to just at healthier or run more, I've committed to cleaning up my act all together.  Adopting a lifestyle that is productive, positive, and fun!  I find each day I do well in one department and somewhat drop the ball in another.  

I had a few friends tell me that they check my blog everyday. THANK YOU.  That is incredibly motivating to hear, and it helps me stay true to the whole #cleanfifteen thang!  

I guess today I just really want to admit that I'm not perfect. I know, shocker right?!  I am totally a phase person, always have been.  I've always been consistent in ways but completely extreme in others.  I can let my emotions take over to either motivate me to be better or to completely ruin all the improvements I made.  Do you ever feel that way?  Like you've made progress, maybe you ate healthy for a week, or you didn't skip your therapy session, or you did well on all your midterms, and then you have one off day, and it is like you have to start all over?  It happens to me.  I'm also a stress case, and put way to much pressure and expectations on myself.  I think it is from being a gymnast, that pressure to be your best all the time.  

Anyway, It is Wednesday morning and I am feeling well rested, ready for yoga later on today, almost prepared for my test this afternoon.  I am sipping on my tea, looking at my ocean view and wondering why I complain, why I get sad, and why I'm so friggin' hard on myself.  

Yoga had been going really well, I try to get to the studio every weekday but if that doesn't happen, I'll go to the gym.  Yoga is only getting more challenging now that I can do the poses properly!! But I'm in love with it, it is the perfect way to get out of your mind and channel into your body, your breathing, and the moment.  

My goal for the rest of the week is to wake up, keep a clear mind, and do not let the to do list discourage me from tackling the day.  I'm pretty we all struggle with that.  

- kb 

bounce back

It's difficult staying motivated.  It always has been for me.  I'll easily drop one thing and pick up another.  I love to dabble, but I also love to wallow.  I don't hate the dabbling at all but the wallowing has to go.  I find that as soon as I have off days, I will give up on the positivity and wallow in the  'failure'.  But it isn't a failure, everyone has their off days, what matters is how you bounce back from those lazy days.

I've been doing well with my sleep, and meditation.  I'm finding it super helpful to meditate right before I go to sleep. I bought a book that walks you through proper meditation, so I'm excited to dive right into that.  I'm also contemplating going to Buddhism classes once week.  I've never been a religious person however I think that it could be really interesting learning about Buddhism and maybe picking up parts of it that I think would improve my quality of life. 

The last few days I've also spent a few hours reading.  I'm about half way through Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn.  So far I'm really enjoying it, I hope to be through it soon, and on to the next! I have a few books I'd like to read before summer comes.

I have been playing guitar, I was working on some new songs this weekend.  I absolutely love singing, even through I'm not the best, no one has told me to shut up quite yet! My goal is to do open mic at one of the bars here in Halifax.  I meant to do it this summer but I chickened out.  

Those are a few positive things, and I'll work on the rest!

- kb 

being your ideal self

Another great read by Mark Manson.  An eight minute read that will totally get that mind of yours flowin'.

"It’s not that happiness itself is in you, it’s that happiness occurs when you decide to pursue what’s in you." - Manson

- kb

Mark Manson - Stop Trying to be Happy

dirty days

Not everyday can be clean.   Yesterday, I felt off.  I wasn't feeling as motivated as I have been lately, and I was having negative thoughts that I couldn't chase out of my mind.  I woke up really tired even though I was in bed at a decent time and slept fine.  My exhaustion stopped me from going to yoga, and kept me glued to the couch most of the day.  

Here is my issue, yesterday was my day off and I had planned on being incredible productive.  And when I saw that my day might not go that way, I was quick to quit.  Then of course, it is my nature to be incredibly hard on myself and make myself feel like I failed by not going to yoga, or the gym, or getting my school work done.  Then once I've decided that the day was a write off, I am straight up lazy and unmotivated.

I understand that one day of 'rest' is a good thing, and I completely agree.  But there is rest which is positive and there is giving up which of course is nothing to be proud of.  Really, what I should have done was nap the second I felt off.  Napping is a smart way to salvage your day, catch some more z's before the whole day goes to waste. Instead of staying up and thinking about how you should be crossing things off your to-do list, take a quick nap so you can wake up refreshed and focused.

Today, I am motivated, on task, and in a great mood.  I had a challenging yoga session this morning, a tea to sip on while I caught up on emails, and a delicious salad while I finished my readings and reports for school.  By noon, I felt accomplished and proud of myself! 

Not everyday can be the cleanest, you might feel groggy, or distracted, but don't quit and make it a dirty day.  Take a nap if it will help, meditate, put on your gym clothes and suck it up! Try to at least cross one thing off that long and forever growing to-do list.  

However, today is hump day, maybe a little dirty is okay!

#cleanfifteen

-kb

love, meaning, and connection

'Happy people are generally found to be healthy, sociable, flexible, creative, resilient, tolerant, and have a great capacity for love and forgiveness. The pursuit of happiness is a noble one and it can be contagious. It is interesting that something simple remains so elusive for so many. True happiness is not related to pleasure or consumption, but is a by-product of LOVE, MEANING, and CONNECTION'