the dress

I will feel sexy and confident in my houndstooth dress March 21st, 2015

I don't like to weigh myself, although I know it also isn't healthy to be afraid of the scale.  So, I weigh 127 lbs.  There, its out.  I'm not totally proud of that number, but I justify it by saying, I have an athletic body type.  I don't plan to ever lose weight by obsessing over this number, but I also didn't think it was healthy to obsess about not knowing the number.  

Instead, I have come up with a goal.  I have a dress that I love.  And it fits now but it could fit better and I could feel better in it.  I want to wear it for when my boyfriend gets back from sailing with the Navy and we go out for dinner for our 6 month/welcome home dinner! I feel good about this goal because its SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound).  I have the dress hanging in my bedroom where I can see it every morning-   sorry babe, I took down your picture that was hanging! This way, I can wake up motivated, and be reminded of my goal, and of course that I'll be eating one tasty meal with someone that supports and loves me in that very dress.

I'm sharing with my readers all of this, to inspire hopefully, those of you who are feeling stuck, and to keep myself accountable.  I know that it is easy to lose motivation, especially when you don't have anything to work towards.  I'm so used to having competitions to train for, from when I was a gymnast.  But that isn't my life anymore, and with school to focus on as well, it is definitely a challenge to keep up the clean and active lifestyle.  

So, I challenge you, to come up with your own goal.  One that makes you excited to be better.  One that doesn't leave you standing on the scale wondering why you aren't lighter.  One that makes you want to post it on the internet, as if the whole world cares that you bought a new dress!! One that gets you out of this winter funk!  Good luck :) And feel free to share!!

- kb 

standing under a dark cloud

hi fellow readers,

I have a confession to make.  And I'm writing about it because, for me, once it is written its out, and not bottled up inside.

I'm a phase person, I always have been.  I have my highs and lows, I'm sure much like most people.  But for me, sometimes, it gets to be a bit intense.  I suffer from a mental illness.  It is difficult at times, but for the most part, I've learned to be quite good at managing it.  

If you know me at all, you know what I'm talking about.  I'm a pretty open person and I think more people need to talk about this illness, its way too taboo.  Everyone has their "blueberry fritters" some of you may know what I mean by that and some may not.  But it means, everyone has their problems, illnesses, or their scary pasts.  It doesn't mean that one issue is worse than the other, and to be honest, 90% of it is really how we deal with it.

That being said, people who suffer from depression, may fight like hell, and get through most of the blueberry fritters that get thrown at them, but other times the dark cloud doesn't go away.  Thats when you either fall into darkness, or use those tools you learned in, group therapy, or your self help module, or call the help line.  You seek help.  And that does not make you a failure, or weak, it means you are sick.  And if you are sick, you take the medicine you need to get better.  That, is smart.  

I guess I feel like I need to say this because not many people talk about it.  Maybe, you'll open up to people who have been through similar situations, but I don't think thats enough.  I think its the people that don't understand that should be talking about it and learning about it. Hands down, you'll become friends with someone with this illness, or date someone, or maybe a family member will be diagnosed depressed for what ever reason.  I think if people start TALKING about it and SHARING their struggles with mental illness, it will help people accept others for who they are.  Kill the ignorance.

Depression isn't something that will be fixed with ice cream, or a new love, or retail therapy.  Depression is something you learn to live with.  You can still live a happy life, and you can still love fully, and you will still smile.  But its a fight nonetheless.  

I think if people talked more about how they are feeling, mental illness or not, everyone can get the support the need and deserve.  And for those of you who are afraid to call that dark cloud depression, know that there are many people who struggle with this, and I encourage you to embrace it and learn from it.  Help yourself with any tools you need, and accept the illness.  It doesn't make you weak, it makes you sick.  So, help yourself.  And, for those of you who don't understand the dark cloud syndrome, I encourage you to not be ignorant and avoid judging, and learn about it.

Anyone is capable of living cleanly and happily.  And everyone can find a way to get through their own personal blueberry fritters. I just encourage people to SPEAK.  

I love my life, and I have so much to be grateful for.  But, I also believe that you need to own your mental illness and help yourself.  I cheer on everyone standing hopelessly under their dark cloud, and encourage you to find that positive thing that helps you through those days.  

yours truly,

kb